Lockdown Day 28: Sunday 19th April, 2020

Jesus, Trick. You kept that quiet. All these years and you never cracked a light.

  Is that it then? The reason for all the wildness, madness, restlessness, the endless road? You feel guilty? Guilty?

  You can’t carry guilt around with you for twenty-five years. It’s not your fault you never became something your dead teenage girlfriend wanted. Fuck sake, Trick. It’s not your fault she died.”    

  “I never said it was. I said I’d tell you some tales, I didn’t agree to therapy. I don’t need it. I don’t want it. I came to terms with my angels and demons a long time ago. I can live with them, if they can live with me. 

  “OK. OK. I hear you.
So you’re telling me that you, me and this Kit guy are the only people that know this.”

“Not quite, but we’ll get round to that.”

  “And the restlessness, the fact you can’t sit still. The 300 mile round-trips for a beer, crossing a continent at the drop of a hat, always needing to be somewhere else.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Well. Come on. It’s not natural, it’s never been natural. The instant you feel comfortable you have to be on the move again. The minute your arse hits the seat you have to hit the road. I’ve seen you leap back in the saddle an hour after a 4,000 mile road-trip, adrenalin rushing, blood gushing through tired limbs again, all fired up and raring to go.
So?” 

  “Well…”

  “So?”

  “Ok.

  Clear skies, open roads and no borders. My biggest wish without a doubt, up there all on its own. I lie awake at night dreaming it, scheming it, sweating it out my system in rivers of, call it guilt if you must. Always there, no matter the situation, no matter where I am, no matter what I’m doing or who I’m with. I just want to be somewhere else. I don’t need to belong. I don’t want to be rich or famous. I don’t need drugs. I don’t even want to be ruggedly handsome and popular with the ladies. I just want to be me. I just want to see what’s out there. What’s along each long and winding road.  

  Running away? Running towards? I’ve no idea. Just me and the road. Me and the sun and the wind and the stars. Me and the bike or the car or the plane, train, boat, or whatever. Cruising down forever freeways. If you’re not moving forward you’re dead. Maybe it’s not what I’ve always wanted. But it hasn’t changed in the last twenty-five years despite everything I tried.”

  Terry nodded rather sadly, “Maybe I understand that a bit more now. I can’t believe you’ve never told me that story before.”

  “I’ve never told anyone that story before. There were only ever a few people who knew it. And it’s so, so sad, I still think about it every day. Angel was never more than what she dreaded most, a footnote in someone else’s life of high adventure.”

 “So she is the reason you chose the life you lead then?”

   “I prefer to think it chose me. You know I never blame anyone else for my mistakes. I’m always the one who should know better, the one who can compromise or find a solution. Who knows, maybe I never did get over her. Bu I won’t blame her for anything. Before we met, rather coincidentally, my childhood dream was to be the Avenging Angel, winged warrior of the X Men.” 

“Not Superman? You get to fly and have big muscles too.”

“Nope. Too much goody-two-shoes apple pie. And where’s the fun if you’re not risking it all each turn of the cards? How would you learn anything? Imagine what kind of loser you’d be if you were invulnerable and never had to try hard. But even then I dreamt of being free, flying high above the clouds unchained. Reaching for the sun and writing cosmic jokes across the sky in stars, court jester to chaos. So maybe I’ve always been that outsider and Angela was just the key opening the door to today. Certainly after that there was no way I could turn to any regular kind of settle-down life.” 

  “But that was over twenty-five years ago. I can understand your pain but, come on, you’re no kid now, did you never think about growing up?”

  “And change the habits of a lifetime? I’m too old to grow up now, Terry.”

  As I closed the slatted blinds to banish the night, I gazed out the vanishing window at the vibrant city. I glanced back at Terry, wired for sound at the end of his long journey, terminal velocity achieved, soul lift-off minus some, end of the road imminent. “God, we had some great times here, Terry.”

  “We did, Trick. We sure did. You, me, Sue, Kate, the old team. You know, I wouldn’t change any of that for the world. I’m glad you made it.”

  “Me too Terry. Me too.”